


KoRn Oneshots

by HauntedByShadows



Category: KoRn (Band)
Genre: 90s setting, Angst, Bisexuality, Boys in Skirts, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Crossdressing, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dom/sub Undertones, Dorks in Love, Drinking, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Hair twisting cos omg what a cute habit, Head is a goofy lil shit but we love him, Height Differences, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Innuendo, Inspired by Real Events, Jon basically lives on Head’s lap, Jon is smol and must be protected, M/M, Multi, Nicknames, Nightmares, Non-sexual dom/sub, Polyamorous Character, Possessive Behavior, Public Display of Affection, RPF, Secret Relationship, Sharing a Bed, Slash, Swearing, Touchy-Feely, Young KoRn, gentle Dom/sub
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:42:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23111908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HauntedByShadows/pseuds/HauntedByShadows
Summary: A collection of oneshots about the band KoRn, set in the 90s with inter-band relationships
Relationships: Brian “Head” Welch & James “Munky” Shaffer, Brian “Head” Welch/Jonathan Davis, Jonathan Davis/James "Munky" Shaffer
Comments: 25
Kudos: 50





	1. One Step at a Time

**Author's Note:**

> I’m gonna preface this by saying this is purely a work of fiction, no disrespect is meant towards any of the guys who are in/were in KoRn (those guys are my idols). This should be obvious but some folk really don’t like FanFiction about real people   
> There is such a severe lack of FanFiction for these dudes, so imma change that singlehandedly 
> 
> Quick points: 
> 
> • I’ve changed their heights slightly to play into the height difference dynamic 
> 
> • The polyamorous relationship in (some of) these oneshots is a vee relationship - meaning that one person is dating two people who are not romantically/sexually involved 
> 
> I hope you enjoy :D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone needs a cuddle sometimes, even rockstar Jonathan Davis

“Head! Dude, wake up!” James roughly shook his band mate awake, squinting in the darkness of the tour-bus bedroom. 

“Mmf...” Brian mumbled, groggy from sleep. “Whasamatter?...” 

“It’s Jon. I don’t know what’s going on but I could hear him crying...” He lowered his voice; the walls of the bus were thin as hell. 

Immediately, Brian shot up and rolled out of bed with a decent thud. “Aw shit, m’up m’up...” He rubbed his eyes, pushing his hair back from his face. “How long has he been crying for?” 

“Ten-fifteen minutes, I dunno man. He might not even be awake.” 

Both men crept down the hall, continuing their hushed conversation whilst trying not to trip over discarded clothes and energy-drink cans. They’d done this many times before, the stress of touring took a big toll on Jonathan in more ways than one and the nightmares were a regular reoccurrence. 

As they reached the back of the bus, Brian cocked his head towards the door and sure enough, faint sniffles could be heard through the wood. The sound shattered his heart and turning to James, he could see the same pain in his best-friend’s eyes. 

“Hey, JD?” Brian called softly, cheek pressed to the wall. “It’s Head and Munky, can we come in?” 

The sniffles ceased in an instant but no response came. James and Brian exchanged puzzled looks, jostling to both fit against the door. 

“Uh, Jon? Baby, can you open the door please?” James murmured, looking to Brian for guidance who shrugged helpfully in response. 

Eventually, after some hiccups and shuffling, the door clicked open. Jonathan remained half-hidden behind the door, messy hair not quite concealing his watery eyes and red cheeks. 

Brian’s gaze softened, stepping forward to scoop the smaller boy into his arms. “Oh, baby boy...” He whispered, holding Jonathan to his chest, who promptly burst into tears again. “Shh, Shh it’s okay. I know it’s scary but it’s not real...” 

Heart aching, James rushed to hug Jonathan from behind and smothered his ear and neck with gentle kisses. “Hey, we’re here, we’ve got you...” 

Jonathan continued sobbing softly into Brian’s shoulder, shoulders convulsing with every breath. The tallest of the trio cradled the singer, one arm under his hips and the other supporting his head as he swayed from side-to-side. 

Exchanging worried looks with his boyfriend’s other partner, James twirled Jonathan’s hair and rubbed circles into his back. “You’re safe, you’re safe...” He whispered, trying his best to soothe the boy to no avail. 

With some difficulty and non-verbal communication, Brian and James shuffled back till they hit the edge of the bed, then laid down slowly with Jonathan cuddled between them. 

Thankfully, Jonathan’s weeping had quietened to silent tears and sniffles; he was calming slowly but surely. Turning onto his side, Brian nudged his small boyfriend with his nose. “Hey babe.” 

“W-what?...” Jonathan sniffed, head tilted towards the other man. 

“Blah~!” Brian growled playfully, sticking out his tongue while flicking his braids at the smaller boy. 

Despite his best efforts, Jonathan burst into watery giggles and smacked a hand over his mouth, nose crinkling with laughter. Beaming, Brian rolled his boyfriend over so his back was to his chest and slid one leg between his thighs, nuzzling the back of his neck. 

Now face-to-face with Jonathan, James pulled his hand away from his mouth, kissing him sweetly and interlocking their fingers. The smaller man blushed, happily squished between his partners, even managing a small smile. 

“There’s that pretty smile.” James whispered, brushing his nose against his boyfriend’s. “Wanna get something to eat?” 

“Uh huh...” Jonathan nodded, curling his knees to his chest and chewing on his thumb nail. 

“I’ve got the door, you okay with JD?”

“You know it, Munk.” Brian slid off the bed and gathered Jonathan gently in his arms. “Up you come, that’s a good boy...” 

James lead the way back through the dark bus towards the kitchen, holding Jonathan’s hand and smiling as his best friend continued cooing sweetly to their boyfriend. 

Once they reached the open-plan kitchen, James turned the lights on low, so as not to startle Jonathan, and crouched down to rummage through the contents of the fridge. Behind him, Brian’s comforting had descended into nonsensical, baby-talking gibberish -“You’resocuteyeshyouare, yesh, yeshyoureallyare~”- but it seemed to be doing wonders; the man in his arms was giggling into his sweater-covered palm, eyes sparkling. 

“JD, pancakes or waffles?” Holding up two boxes, James smiled gently. 

Jonathan’s nose scrunched, looking between the foods uncertainly. “Uh...” The poor thing was still half asleep, and too deep in his drop to make such a difficult decision.

“Let’s have one of each, huh~?” Brian smiled, bouncing his boyfriend over to the counter. “Do you want Head-cooking or Munky-cooking~?” 

“Uhhh... Head~”

“Oh thanks, love you too Jon(!)” Chuckled James, lifting Jonathan onto his hip, who giggled and hid behind his hair. 

“Hush, Baboon, I’m the master chef.” Brian playfully stuck his tongue out, preparing the food whilst staying within the required range for booping Jonathan’s nose. “This little dude knows what’s up~”. 

Biting his lip, the smallest of the three scrunched up his face and took cover behind James’ neck, who kissed his ear and twisted his hair. “I think someone’s sleepy.” 

“It’s almost three, I’m not surprised.” Brian softened, reaching to run his fingers down Jonathan’s spine. “Food then bed, ‘kay baby?” 

Too tired to talk, Jonathan nodded, wrapping his legs around James’ waist. Usually, he hated dropping so deeply around others, it left him feeling vulnerable like nothing else did. But James was warm, and stroking his hair, and rocking him so gently, and Brian was gazing at him with so much love in his eyes... Maybe this time was okay. Just this time. 

As Jonathan began to space-out, his boyfriends didn’t interrupt him, just smiled knowingly at each other. By the time they’d finished up in the kitchen, he was drifting in and out of sleep with his head on James’ shoulder. 

“He’s so fuckin’ precious...” Brian whispered, a dopey grin on his face, backing up towards the bedroom. 

James nodded, hot on his heels. “I don’t know how we got so lucky, man...” He adjusted Jonathan on his hip and gently toed the door ajar, edging his way over to the bed where Brian was sprawled. 

Having put the food on the bedside table, Brian made grabby-hands towards James. “Gimme him, s’my turn for cuddles.” He pouted, arms outstretched. 

“You’re such a needy bitch.” James stifled a laugh, but passed Jonathan down to his best friend, who scowled and threw a half-assed punch in his direction. 

“No, m’ the needy bitch...” Jonathan mumbled, looking up with a cheeky smile and a gleam in his eye. 

Both of the other men laughed at the sudden comment, Brian pressing a kiss to Jonathan’s forehead. “Yeah yeah, our needy bitch~” He teased, squeezing his boyfriend’s hips. 

Giggling, Jonathan all but fluttered his eyelashes and kissed each of his partners’ cheeks sweetly before yawning. “Love you, Head, love you, Munky~”

“We love you too, JD.” James tucked his hair behind his ears and lifted up the plate so his boyfriend could eat. 

Jonathan ate slowly, his eyes half closed, embracing the never-ending affection. Secretly, he was fighting off sleep, wanting to savour the moment for a long as possible. 

“We’re not going anywhere, sweetheart...” Brian whispered and squeezed Jonathan’s hand, discarding the empty plate on the floor and leaning back with him on his chest. 

Sliding up to lie by their sides, James wrapped an arm around them both. “Yeah, we promise. We’ll be here all night...” 

“Thank you...” Jonathan breathed, a little choked up. “I really fuckin’ love you guys...” 

“And we really love you too...” Brian smiled, pulling the blankets around all three of them. “You up for bedtime kisses?..” 

Multiple kisses were exchanged and before long, Jonathan was sound asleep. Catching each other’s gaze, Brian and James touched palms in the most gentle, most silent high-five possible. 

Another crisis everted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This series is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> • Short comments  
> • Long comments  
> • Questions  
> • “<3” as extra kudos  
> • Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> Note: If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!


	2. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian has a rough day, Jon makes it better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to quarantine in my country closing down schools/workplaces, I’ll hopefully be updating a lot more frequently (requests are encouraged and appreciated!) 
> 
> Please stay safe during these scary times, lovelies. Look after yourselves and your families, wash your hands and try to stay calm. We’re in this together 💕

“Fuck. Off.” Brian turned his head away, glaring daggers at the bedroom wall. He hugged his knees to his chest, refusing to look anyone in the eye with his jaw stubbornly jutted out. 

Frankly, the four boys huddled in the doorway had no idea what to do, the lead guitarist was never in a bad mood. On the contrary, he was the comforter: the one that held Jonathan when he cried, play-fought with Reg, kept spirits up, pulled pranks, acted goofy till everyone was in fits of laughter. 

Not that any of them blamed him for his anger, it had been a particularly stressful evening; what with malfunctioning instruments, last minute changes and less-than-mediocre food on top of all the usual mayhem. 

Tensions were way past boiling point when Brian finally flipped, a snapped guitar string was all it took to send him storming off to his room accompanied by a tirade of cursing. Even after a few hours, any attempt to calm him down had been met with either grumbling or the silent treatment. 

Jonathan frowned, anxiously twisting his hair. “I might have an idea...” He mumbled, breaking away from the group to sit next to his boyfriend on the bed. “Head, look at me.” 

Brian’s eyes flicked to the side, his lips still pressed in a firm line. “M’ not in the mood.” He huffed quietly. 

“Please?..” The singer slipped his hand into his partner’s and interlocked their fingers. “Babe, you know that I know how to make you smile.” He coaxed, crossing his legs.

The other man stiffened but didn’t pull away. “Don’t. I don’t want to.” 

“Well boo-hoo, cos I’m not leaving till you smile.” 

“Jon, I mean it.” He rolled his eyes under the cover of his braids, trying his damnedest to ignore the boy cuddled into his side. The beautiful, amusing, perfect, hot-as-hell boy that- no. He was angry, and nothing was going to change that. “I don’t want to.”

“Tough shit.” 

“Jonathan, I swear to fuck-“

“Look at me, you stubborn bastard.” Jonathan cupped Brian’s cheek and turned his head towards him, the sweetest grin he could muster lighting up his face. 

Goddamnit. That fucking smile. 

The edges of Brian’s lips twitched, Jonathan’s smile was his kryptonite and he fucking knew it. Despite his best efforts, a goofy grin flashed across his face. “Little shit!” He growled playfully, digging his fingers into his boyfriend’s ribs. 

Jonathan laughed and kicked at the air. “Hah, he’s smiling! It worked!” He beamed, still trying to squirm away from Brian’s intrusive fingers. 

“Did not, liar! I’m still very very very mad at all of you.” 

“Suuuuure you are(!)” David snickered, ducking to avoid the pillow that came hurtling in his general direction. “Hey!” 

“Piss off~” Brian stuck out his tongue, a mischievous glint in his eye. 

“Good to have you back, buddy.” James grinned, dragging Reg and David away to give the couple some privacy. 

Once their friends had left, Jonathan let Brian manhandle him till he was underneath him with his head on the pillows. “I told you I’d get you to smile~” He teased, tilting his chin to trail kisses along the other man’s jaw. 

“You’re lucky you’re pretty~...” Brian hummed, settling between Jonathan’s thighs and leaning in so they were nose-to-nose. 

“Oh yeah~?”

“Yeah~...” The guitarists eyes seemed to darken, “Seriously though, you know you make me real happy, right?..” His nose scrunched in thought, using his knuckles to stroke his boyfriend’s cheek. 

“Jesus, don’t go all lovey-dovey on me.” Jonathan leaned into Brian’s touch, eyes sparkling. “But yeah, I know... You make me happy too, Head. I love you~...”

Brian smiled widely, not needing to hide it this time around, and pecked Jonathan’s lips. “I love you too, silly boy~” He sighed, content with just staring into the eyes of the man he cared for so deeply. 

He wasn’t angry, not anymore.


	3. I Tried To Be A Good Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Studio work is rough at times 
> 
> Or 
> 
> The one where JD needs a nap and Head is the king of non-sexual consent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the ‘Kill You’ footage from Korn’s documentary ‘Deuce’ 
> 
> All of the oneshots in this collection are purely for fun, I do not own Korn or any of their music [sadly :(]
> 
> -Xee Xx

Sometimes, being in the studio took a toll on them. Sometimes, hearing Jonathan scream his heart out was too painful to bear. Sometimes, hands would tremble and breathing would quicken and eyes would glaze over. 

Sometimes, they just needed a big fucking cry. 

Once the vocals for ‘Kill You’ were finally recorded, it was as if the subconscious breath they hadn’t even realised they’d been holding in had been let out. It had been a distressing listen for the four men, even more so with only a thin sheet of glass between them and their friend and yet no way to comfort him. Last minute, Reggie had slipped into the recording room for emotional support, but clearly struggled with holding back his own emotions. 

When Jonathan stepped out of the booth, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room, James sprung off the sofa and ran to crush the singer in a hug, still visibly shaken-up. David and Reg did the same, perhaps trying to comfort themselves as well as their bandmate, but Brian hung back beside the chairs. He didn’t want to overwhelm the poor man, or show how much the performance had affected him. “My favourite singer in the whole world is in my band...” He sniffed and smiled, glassy-eyed. 

Biting his lip, Jonathan shuffled away from the others into Brian’s chest and clutched at his shirt. Taking it as their cue to leave, David, Reg and James, pausing to pat Jon on the back and mumble words of encouragement, backed off towards the door. 

“Hey, is it okay if I hold you?..” The guitarist murmured, only daring to wrap his arms around the other man when he got a ‘go ahead’ nod. He swayed slowly from side to side, letting Jonathan control the tightness of embrace. “I’m gonna get you a drink, do you want me to put you down?” 

“No!” Jonathan blurted and shook his head quickly, holding the fabric of Brian’s shirt hard enough to turn his knuckles white. 

“It’s okay, I’m gonna keep ahold of you.” He soothed, voice low as he bent to grab a bottled water. “I’m gonna get us more comfy and sit down, is that okay?” 

“Yu’huh...” 

Moving back onto the sofa, Brian sat with Jonathan on his knee, cradling him and playing with his hair while unscrewing the cap on the bottle. “Wanna drink yourself? Yeah? Here you go...” He carefully passed the water down to Jonathan, who looked up at him with big eyes and took a few grateful gulps. 

Gradually, Jonathan’s trembling subsided, while Brian tried his damnedest not to well-up again going over the last few hours in his head. It was as cathartic as it was upsetting, the both of them feeling rather calm despite the circumstances. 

“JD?” Brian started softly, adjusting the man in his arms as gently as physically possible and tilting his chin up. “How are you feeling, baby?” 

“M’okay,” Jonathan yawned, a little hoarse, “just tired...” 

“You can sleep, I promise I’m not going anywhere...” Brian lay down then, tossing someone’s -most likely Reggie’s- discarded hoodie over them both as a makeshift blanket. “Now I can’t move even if I want to, not that I do.” 

Jonathan cracked a smile, already stretching out on top of his boyfriend and finding a comfortable position. “Thank you...” He whispered and closed his eyes, his face in the crook of Brian’s neck. 

Brian waited until Jonathan’s breathing evened out to plant a kiss on the shell of his ear. “You’re my good boy...” He whispered as lyrics bounced around his mind, heart still aching for the sleeping beauty on his chest.


	4. Clown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W for homophobia and a shit-ton of cursing 
> 
> I don’t condone this sort of behaviour in real life (obviously, as a gay guy), be nice to people! 
> 
> That being said, happy(ish) reading! - Xee Xx

A tattooed hand to the face. A yelp. A thud. 

It happened so quickly.

“Fuck...” Brian heaved and wiped the blood from his knuckles on his jeans. His cheek hurt like a bitch, there was going to be one ugly-ass bruise in the morning. Still fuming, he spat on the concrete and rounded on Jonathan, sprawled on the floor, nursing a bloody nose. 

Fuck indeed. 

—————3 hours earlier—————

“Jon, you ready to rock?” Reggie called over his shoulder. 

“Yes!” The singer grinned, hair bouncing as he shifted restlessly from foot to foot. 

Beyond the door, the chanting had begun, beckoning them from their hiding place to the centre-stage. As cliche as it felt, all of the men had a severe case of the butterflies. 

From his seat on the sofa, Brian set his guitar aside and tugged the frontman down onto his lap. “C’mere, gimme a kiss.” He purred before licking his way into Jonathan’s mouth, his bandmates groans spurring him on to deepen the already-sloppy kiss, winding his arms around his waist. 

Faux retching, James eyed the couple with amusement. “Gross, you guys are fuckin’ gay.” 

“You’re fucking gay.” Jonathan pulled back and stuck out his tongue, cheeks ablaze. 

In all fairness, James wasn’t wrong. Ever since they’d gotten together, the couple had taken great pleasure in putting on sickly-sweet shows of affection on a daily basis. Except out in public. Merely the idea of being open about their relationship terrified both of them, stolen backstage kisses and hidden hand squeezes had to make do. 

Chuckling, Brian tilted Jonathan’s chin to connect their lips again and pulled their chests together. 

“Guys, seriously, we have to go!” David protested, poking his head out the door. 

“Mmf, jus’a minuh-”

“Head!” Reg and David yelled in unison. 

“Right, alright!” Brian laughed, slowly getting to his feet and squeezing his boyfriend one last time before setting him down. “Let’s do this thing!” 

Jonathan giggled, stood on his tiptoes and pecked Brian’s cheek. “I love you...” He whispered, shuffling through the doorway with the rest of the group. 

“I love you too, baby.” Brian bent to nuzzle his ear, reluctantly slipping his hand away as the lights hit them. 

————————————————

11pm rolled around and five sweaty, exhausted, endorphin-filled men stumbled back through their dressing room door, laughing and shoving one another. 

Dangling from James’ shoulders, Jonathan swung a light, playful kick in David’s direction. It didn’t exactly go to plan; the drummer grabbed his foot and pulled before running behind the sofa with glee, a shoe in hand. 

“Screw you, David!” Jon whined, trying and failing to keep himself from smiling. 

David laughed, hugging the shoe to his chest as Reggie got him in a headlock. “Get off, it’s mine now!” 

“Doesn’t look like you’re getting that back for a while, JD.” James chuckled, setting the smaller man down. “And uh, I think Head wants ya.” 

Sure enough, Brian caught Jonathan’s eye and beckoned him with a smirk. “Get over here, pretty boy.” He grinned, catching his boyfriend mid-jump and crushing their lips together. 

Jonathan kissed back eagerly - during ‘Faget’, Brian had shot him the most heart-achingly goofy smile that he’d almost melted right there and then. 

Their three friends put up with the impromptu make-out session, sprawling out on the sofa and having their first of undoubtably many drinks that night. That was, until Jonathan’s vest was discarded on the floor and his skirt was riding up his thighs. 

“Get a room!” Reggie threw the closest thing he could grab, Jonathan’s stolen shoe, at the guitarist’s back. He was quickly joined by David and James, chucking pillows and spare guitar picks. 

Snickering, Brian flipped them off over his shoulder and shuffled backwards into the bathroom, kicking the door shut and locking it with a pointed click. 

————————————————

Once everyone had showered and re-dressed, they headed out as a group through the alleyway exit and headed for the nearest bar to celebrate another successful night. 

Under the cover of darkness, Jonathan was happily snuggled into Brian’s side, twisting his hair, his boyfriend’s arm around his shoulders. He was content, sure, happy even, but he couldn’t stop his thoughts from spiralling. What if someone saw them? What would it do to the band? Would Head pull away from him?...

“You okay?” Brian nudged him gently out of his reverie, emerald eyes swimming with concern. 

Jonathan nodded, leaning on his partner. “Peachy, you?” 

“I’m alright, yeah.” He chuckled, looking up to the rest of the guys. “Do we have a plan or?” 

“Yep, yeah totally, overrrr... There!” James pointed at a nearby club, herding the others over to the entrance. The bouncer took one glance at them and -like an angel- ushered them through without a word. 

The room was packed, thankfully so, and dark enough to conceal the groups’ identities. Jonathan clung to his boyfriend’s arm, lest they get lost in the sea of swaying bodies, and followed the rest of the group towards the bar. 

“What do you guys want to drink?!” David called, drowned out in the thumping music. Confused, Jonathan gestured to his ear and shook his head, James moved closer with his head cocked and Reg had his fingers in his ears, Brian just nodded and smiled.

“WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT. TO. DRINK?!” He repeated, waving his hands at the bottles displayed on the wall and making a gesture that vaguely resembled someone slamming back. 

Making a face in understanding, James cupped his hands to David’s ear and rattled off their usual order, including Jon’s signature Jack & Coke, with Reg giving him a thumbs up in the background. 

Brian, completely lost in the conversation, let Jonathan lead him away from the others and onto the middle of the dance floor. He snaked his arms around the smaller man, gently spinning him into his chest and brushing their noses together. “I love you so much.” He knew his boyfriend couldn’t hear him, he didn’t care. He just liked saying it. 

It was ironic, really, that the most crowded room gave the most privacy - everyone else was too distracted to notice the two boys lost in each others eyes. 

Brian hesitated, then surged forward to crush their lips together, feeling tingles rush from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. Jonathan kissed back, equally passionate, quivering from adrenaline and gripping his boyfriend’s shirt.

They were kissing, in public, and nobody batted an eyelid. 

Except their friends at the bar. Especially James, who’d been surveying the floor with his drink in hand. “Awh, guys.” He cooed, happy for his bandmates. “They’re so sweet.” 

David put his fingers in his mouth and whistled in support. “As gross and slobbery as they can be, I’m proud of them. It must be hard, I can’t even imagine.” He smiled, nudging Reg with his elbow. 

“Yeah, alright,” Reggie rolled his eyes and grinned, “that’s cute as fuck, good for them.” 

Eventually, the happy couple stumbled back to the bar, hand-in-hand and all smiles. “Hey,” James greeted, a twinkle in his dark eyes, “Gotcha drinks.” 

“Thanks man.” Brian sank into an empty seat and sipped his beer, watching Jonathan in amusement as he knocked back four Jack & Cokes in quick succession. “Slow down, babe.” 

Jonathan slid onto his knee and shot him a cheeky smile. “Shhhh, says the man who has seven beers a night.” He giggled, swaying in time with the music. 

“He has a point.” David raised his glass in Jon’s direction, who’d somehow got his hands on yet another drink. “He’s still got nothing on you.” 

“Yeah, cos I can hold my liquor.” Brian snorted and held his boyfriend tight, the chances of him falling over the arm of the chair were rising by the minute. “JD’s a fucking lightweight.” 

“Nu uh!” Jonathan protested, aiming a poke at Brian’s nose and almost taking his eye out instead. “Buuullshit!” He folded his arms and scowled, rather cutely. “I hold the liquor.” 

“Okay babe, you hold the liquor.” Brian chuckled. He knew that, like most nights, it was only a matter of time before Jonathan ‘stopped holding the liquor’. 

Sure enough, the singer soon blurted something about ‘sick’ and made a mad dash for the bathrooms. “I’d feel bad for him, but he did it to himself.” Reg said, laughing softly. 

“Someone better go after him, ‘case he passes out.” David chuckled and crossed his legs. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna check on Jon.” Brian stood up, weaving his way around the stools and other patrons. “JD, baby, you doing okay?” Brian toed the bathroom door open and smiled, still buzzing from their public displays of affection (and the alcohol). 

Over by the sinks, Jonathan looked over his shoulder and waved. “Hey, m’just coming.” He said softly, splashing cool water on his face. He watched his boyfriend approach, glancing around warily before taking his hand. “You okay?” 

“I’m great...” Brian mumbled, a shy smile on his lips, tracing Jon’s lower lip with his thumb. Behind them, a stall door flung open and he flinched away like he’d been burned. The man gave them an odd look but if he had something to say, he kept it to himself. Still, Brian fidgeted awkwardly and fixed his eyes on the ground, moving back towards the doorway. “Y-yeah, I’m gonna head back to the guys.”

“Wait up, I’m going for a smoke.” Jon pushed away from the sinks, glancing back at the stranger briefly. “I’ll be back at the bar in ten, ‘kay?” 

“Right on, see you soon bab- uh, dude...” Brian cringed and hurried off in the other direction, it was forced and the tingles were gone and it felt so, so wrong. When he threw himself down next to James back at the bar, dark clouds were already gathering above his head. 

“Head, what’s wrong? Is Jon okay?” James furrowed his eyebrows. 

Brian shrugged, chugging the rest of his beer. “It’s nothing, he’s fine.” He said, dismissive. “I’m getting another drink.” He stood up, aware of the whispering amongst his three friends behind his back. It didn’t bother him, they were worried, he got that, but they’d never understand, not fully. He sighed and, rubbing his neck, approached the counter. “Uh, a Coors Light, thanks man.” 

————————————————

Outside, Jonathan loitered by the back-entrance and lit his cigarette. Letting his mind wander, he took a drag and tilted his head back, blowing the smoke towards the stars with a smile on his face. When he stopped to think about it, life really was as good as it could be given the circumstances. Being with Brian gave him a sense of security that he hadn’t felt in, well, forever, and not just security - a home, a feeling of belonging. Their relationship felt right. 

‘Holy shit,’ Jon took another drag and chuckled into his hand, he had to laugh at himself, ‘stupid, sappy motherfucker...’ He flicked ash from the end of his cigarette, sinking back into his pleasant thoughts. 

The brick against his back pulsed with the bass from inside and, somewhere off to his left, a door banged shut. 

————————————————

Ten minutes turned into twenty. Brian got antsy, drumming on the table and glancing around and swirling the remnants of his drink around the glass. ‘He’s fine, he’s fine. He’s gone for a smoke, he’s fine. It’s not like I was a total jerk to him, nah, 100% didn’t hurt his feelings! Who’s the worst fucking boyfriend in the whole word? Oh, that’s right, it’s me-‘

“Dude, if you don’t go haul his skinny ass back in here, I’m gonna.” Reggie sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “You’re making us all nervous.” 

“Yeah, yeah okay. I’m going. ” The guitarist jumped up, not having to be told twice, and once again stumbled his way in the direction of the bathrooms towards the back exit. When he reached the door and pushed, the rush of cool air was a sobering slap to the face. 

So was the sight of Jonathan backed against the brickwork with the man from the bathroom way too close for comfort. Even from a distance, not knowing the situation, Brian’s gut twisted. 

Something was really, really wrong. 

“Uh, JD? The guys are ready to head back now, uh, let’s go. C’mon.” Brian inched closer and stared at Jonathan, not wanting to look at the other guy let alone talk to him. 

“Nah nah nah, back the hell up!” The stranger interjected, turning on his heel with a smile that was less than pleasant. “I’m not done havin’ a chat with your faggy friend here.”

“What the hell did you say?!” Brian spluttered, stunned. 

“You heard me,” the man sneered, “homo.” He took a slow, deliberate step towards Jonathan, backing him against the nightclub wall. 

“Look man, we don’t want any trouble.” Brain spoke calmly, but his blood was boiling already. This man was drunk, and obviously aggressive, provoking him was asking for trouble. “Just let him go, alright?” 

“Ohhhhh, oh I see.” The man smirked, his chuckling developing into a bark-like laugh. “You are screwin’ him, huh? I though as much with that gross shit earlier. So, who’s the bitch here?”

“Why do you fucking care? Sick motherfucker.” Jonathan snapped, ignoring the look from his boyfriend that told him to shut the hell up. “Thinking about two guys going at it is pretty fucking gay.”

“It’s him, isn’t it?” The man jabbed his finger at Jon’s chest, who balled his hands into fists. “You really should control your slut, tell him to shut his filthy mouth more often.” 

Brian bit down on a growl, fingers itching to dig into the man’s eye sockets. “What are we, fags, or a guy and his bitch?” He countered, voice straining - it pained him to say it, he loved Jonathan more than anything. 

“Just because he’s a bitch doesn’t mean you ain’t a bunch of queers. But see, you actually look like a man, he’s obviously a sissy. And if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s good-for-nothin’, faggy, cock-suckin’ sissies.” He snarled, reaching into his pocket and clutching at something that made a distinct, metallic sound. 

Jonathan opened his mouth, about to angrily retort, only to be struck across the face, the force making his head smack into the brickwork. A knee collided with his stomach before he even hit the ground and he wheezed through the blood streaming down his chin. 

“Don’t fucking touch him!” Brian roared, lunging at the man and punching him square in the jaw. Maybe it was the drink, maybe Jonathan’s frightened whimpering, maybe the fact that the sick bastard just hurt his entire world, maybe a combination of all three, but he wanted him to hurt. Bad. All he could see was red, he couldn’t even feel the blows he was dealing. Who’s blood was that splattered on the floor? “Fucking piece of shit!” He screamed, panting, continuing to smash the attacker’s skull into the concrete. A crowd was gathering, drawn by the noise. He didn’t stop. When had his knuckles started bleeding? 

“Brian, stop!! You’re gonna kill him, fucking stop!” Reggie tackled his friend from behind, pinning him down while he thrashed and yelled. “What the hell are you doing?!” 

“Knife!” Brian snarled, fighting his hardest to get his hands back on the man. “He-... He had a fucking knife! He put his fucking hands on JD!” His nostrils flared in rage, eyes wild and hate-filled. 

“He did what?!” David broke through the throng of people and glared at the unconscious man on the ground. However, he was quickly distracted by the sight of Jonathan, curled up with his hands over his face. “Munky, over here!” He yelled in the direction of the crowd, running over to his friend on the ground (but not without delivering a sharp kick to the fallen attacker’s stomach first) and crouching beside him. 

“Jonathan!” James cried, fighting through the masses to scramble over to David. He held Jonathan’s arms, his bottom lip quivering slightly, obviously distraught. “Oh my god, what the hell happened? Holy shit... I think his nose is broken, we need to get him to a hospital.” He blubbered, his usual sense of calm had deserted him, panicking Brian and Reg into scrabbling over to them. 

“JD...” Brian fell to his knees and shook, not with anger, but with fear. “Give him to me.” With shaking hands, he cradled Jon on the ground and ran his fingers through his hair, over his bloodied lips, across the bruise visible under the hem of his vest. His eyes glazed over, chest tightening to the point that his lungs felt like they were being crushed. 

“Brian, we have to get him out of here. He needs medical attention.” Reg urged, hauling Brian up by his armpits as he instinctively clutched his boyfriend closer to his chest. “Nobody’s gonna take Jonathan away from you, I swear, but we need to move dude.” 

David took to Brian’s other side and helped ease him into a slow shuffle. “C’mon man, one foot in front of the other.” 

Dangling from Brian’s arms, Jonathan groaned softly, drifting in and out of consciousness. Vaguely, he could hear snippets of conversations, feel himself being jostled in the air, see blurry shapes surrounding him. He could only focus on the wet, numb feeling on his face before everything went dark. 

————————————————

Jonathan couldn’t see anything. 

Or rather, he couldn’t see anything apart from blinding, endless white. Whoever left the lights on was gonna get an ass-kicking... Except, he definitely wasn’t in the bus, he didn’t know where the hell he was.

(‘I’m dead, I’m fucking dead’.)

Moving to shield his eyes from the brightness, pain shot from the crook of his elbow through his entire body. “Ow, shit...” 

“Woah, buddy, take it easy. Watch your IV.” Reg sat forward and gently pushed Jonathan back against the pillows. “You hit your head pretty hard, dude, don’t sit up too fast.” 

Jonathan looked around blearily, the -quite blurry- room wasn’t familiar in the slightest (‘definitely not the bus’...), even the taste of it on his tongue was alien, metallic almost. “The hell ama? He slurred, realising in a snail-paced panic that he couldn’t breathe through his nose. 

Despite the dark circles under his red, puffy eyes, James chuckled softly. “We’re in hospital buddy. Your nose’s gonna be fine, the doc doped you up like crazy.” 

“Yeah, your face is totally messed up.” David half-joked, honestly glad that his friend had come to some state of consciousness. “Absolutely gnarly.”

“S’not as bad as your fathe...” Jonathan’s laugh was closer to a wheeze, which spluttered into a hacking cough. How he’d bashed his face in the first place, he couldn’t recall (‘probably too much drink and a bad fall, fucking idiot’...) but then again, this wasn’t their first midnight rendezvous at an A&E. 

However, he couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that ran through him. Everyone was acting odd (‘it’s the drugs’), including James, bless his heart, who rushed over with a cup and held it up to his mouth. “Easy on the jokes, drink. Attaboy.” He coaxed, tilting the cup slightly. Up close there was no hiding the watery glaze in his usually bright eyes - James had been crying. 

Jonathan gulped on command, most of the water trickling down his chin in his effort to better scrutinise his friend’s face. “Shtawp, m’ not a baby.” He flushed, batting James’ hand away and crossing his arms. 

“Mmhm, sure.” James rolled his eyes in amusement and wiped his friend’s mouth with his sleeve. “You’re so damn stubborn, let us look after you for once.” 

“You’ve has a rough night, dude.” Reg shifted closer to the bed, face softening. “All of us know you can totally hold your own, but there’s nothin’ wrong with getting help, ‘specially after what happened to you.”

“I fell, big fuckin’ deal.” Jonathan scoffed, reluctantly allowing David to lean over and support him upright. “Thought you’d be laughing your asses off ‘bout it.” 

“You don’t remember what happened before you got here?” David asked and rubbed circles into the singer’s back. 

Shaking his head, Jonathan looked to each of his friends, confused. “What? Spit it out, c’mon.” 

“Uh...” James’ face crumpled in distress, “that guy at the club, he... really hurt you, Jon.” He mumbled, resembling a kicked puppy. “You disappeared for ages, then we heard Brian yelling outside. You were on the ground and... and he almost killed that guy, I don’t blame him...” 

“Guy at the club...” He trailed off and grazed the dressing covering his face, eyes widening. The memories were fractured and faint at best - the screaming, the taste of blood, Brian-, but still enough for the realisation to turn his blood to ice. “Head... Where’s Head?” Panic bubbled in his chest as he looked around helplessly, voice raising to a distressed whine. 

“JD, Jonathan. Bud, he’s right beside you, calm down.” Reg held Jonathan’s shoulder gently and pointed at the lump under the blankets. 

Rubbing his eyes, noticing the limp arm around his waist for the first time in his drug-induced haze, Jonathan almost sobbed in relief. With some difficulty, he curled closer to his boyfriend and brushed the violet bruise blossoming on his cheek. “Baby...” Jon blinked back tears and looked over his shoulder. “How long have we been out?...” 

“About four hours, I guess ” James glanced at his watch and fell backwards into his chair. “Honestly, we all lost track of time. We were more worried about you and Brian, he wasn’t in the best state till he fell asleep.” 

“He hasn’t left your side since we got here, he didn’t even let the nurses touch him till you were taken care of.” David murmured, supporting Jonathan with his arm. 

“Honestly, I’ve never seen him fight so hard.” Reggie shook his head, elbows on his knees. “Almost took my goddamn eye out trying to get to you...”

“Yeah, Head’s crazy about you dude, it’s actually kinda sweet...” The drummer added, flashing a ghost of a smile. 

Jonathan turned away, instead looking at his sleeping partner beside him, tears pricking at his eyes. Of course he had to go and fuck everything up like usual, this was his doing. If only he’d stuck to the rules, if only he’d remembered the risks, if only he’d let Brian go for a few, fleeting hours. ‘But I did, look at this fucking mess...’ 

“Jonathan?...” James lifted Jon’s chin to find tears streaming down his face, “Hey, hey don’t cry. You’re safe here, nobody’s gonna hurt you...” 

“S’not that.” Choked Jonathan, scrubbing furiously at his eyes. “M’sorry, didn’t... Didn’t mean for this to ha-happen, I’m so fuckin’ stupid I shouldn’t... shouldn’t-a kissed him, I-I ...” A sob caught in his throat and he gasped when Reg caught his wrists. “Huh?...” 

“Say sorry one more time,” Reggie’s eyes were steely, his grip firm, “and /I’ll/ kick your ass into next week. I don’t care what your mind’s telling you ‘cause it wasn’t your goddamn fault. That prick from the club, this is on him. So stop blaming yourself for something that’s outta your hands, I mean it.” 

Jonathan blinked and nodded blankly, his eyes still glassy. He couldn’t help it, the way he was wired, the way his brain pounded into him that he was responsible for everything. 

Reg sighed, instantly regretting his harsh approach. “C’mere, give me a hug,” he caught Jonathan as he leaned against him, being careful of the various tubes stuck in his arm. “I know how badly you beat yourself up, dude, you gotta stop doing that. You’ve been through enough...” He murmured, feeling his friend quiver in his arms. 

“JD?...” From beneath the blankets came a voice, and Brian stirred, sat up and rubbed his eyes with his arm. Barely awake, he took one look at Jonathan and threw himself at him. “Jonathan, sweetheart, how’re you feeling? Are you okay? Oh shit, I didn’t mean to sleep that long-... Have the guys been looking after you? Have you gotten enough fluids? Are you warm enough? Here, take this- Hold on, I’m gonna get you something to get your blood sugar up-“ 

“Babe, I’m fine!” Jonathan giggled as he was wrapped in a blanket and smothered with affection. “Are /you/ okay?” 

“Me? I’m fine, I’m worried about you.” Brian cupped Jonathan’s cheeks and looked him over with a gentle gaze. “You totally sure you’re okay?” 

Rolling his eyes, the singer clicked his tongue in faux annoyance. “I promise, I’m completely fuckin’ fine. David said my face’s fucked up though, how is it?” 

“Babe, trust me, your face is beautiful.” Brian cracked a genuine smile and tucked Jon’s hair behind his ears, before leaning over to thump David on the arm. “You hear me, you shit? His face is beautiful!” 

“Dude, ow!” David yelped, not able to suppress his grin at the prompt return of his friend’s goofy manner, or the others’ subsequent laughter. “Uncalled for, jeez.” 

“Was not!” Brian retorted, sticking his tongue out while reaching for something to smack the drummer with. “Get over here!” 

“Guys, watch for Jonathan.” James smiled softly and pulled his knees to his chest. “And we’re not really supposed to be here this late, we don’t wanna get kicked out by the doc for being too loud.” 

“What time even is it?” Brian scratched his head, manoeuvring his boyfriend onto his knee and scanning the room for a clock. 

“Jesus, it’s almost half four...” Reggie muttered, getting up from his chair to stretch. “Munk-dog, come help move the bed over there, I’m fuckin’ tired...” 

Jonathan cocked his head to watch the sudden commotion around him, as everyone bar Brian got up to rearrange the furniture. “You’re not going back to the bus?” 

“Hell no!” David laughed, tugging over another spare bed from the far corner. “What kinda friends would go home without you?” He added and bonked James over the head with a pillow.

“Oi!” James rubbed the back of his head, missing a swing in retaliation. Kicking his shoes off, he hopped onto the mattress and grinned. “Right, we’re all staying right here, as long as it takes.” 

David flopped down beside James and tugged off his shirt and shoes. “Yep, hit the lights Fieldy. I’m sharing with Munky, you sleep like a starfish.” 

“You better not hog the covers...” James grumbled playfully, sliding under the blankets and turning his back to the others. 

“Fine by me...” The room was plunged into darkness as Reggie switched off the lights and crashed onto his own mattress, out cold before his head hit the pillow. 

Jonathan giggled under his breath and laid down, snuggling closer to his boyfriend. However, the silence began to fill his head with worrisome thoughts all over again. “Guys, the fucking press is gonna be all over this...” He whispered into the dark, anxiously tugging on his hair. 

Brian squeezed his boyfriend tight. “Don’t think about that, it doesn’t matter.” He whispered and kissed Jonathan’s forehead. In truth, that was /all/ he could think about too, but the last thing anyone needed was another reason to panic. 

“Yeah, we’ll deal with that when- if it comes.” David gently shushed. “You need rest, try to get some sleep...”

“Yeah, night guys...” James yawned, curled up like a small child beside David, his head beneath the covers.

“Night.” Jonathan whispered, settling into Brian’s chest and listening to his friends fall asleep beside him. Despite his anxiety, he could feel sleep pulling him under, it had been a long night after all. Besides, David was right - they’d deal with whatever was thrown their way, when the time came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you to anyone who’s clicked on, left kudos for or commented on this fic. It’s cliche, but it genuinely makes my day and motivates me in my writing 😊  
> So, thank you! 💕


	5. Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Head thinks about Jonathan a lot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I usually have these focused on JD’s POV, I decided to write a quick one in Brian’s POV. It’s pretty rushed cos it’s about 4am, and I’m running on Monster Energy and a very small will to study, but I hope you enjoy regardless! 
> 
> This was heavily (totally) inspired by ‘Entombed’ by Deftones 
> 
> \- Xee Xx

Brian had always thought Jonathan was beautiful. 

From the very first moment he laid eyes on him in that dingy bar, he couldn’t help but stare. Something about the way the other man moved was inherently graceful, even the convulsions wracking his body had a kind of fluidity to them. 

And his voice.

Brian couldn’t quite place the things that the young man’s voice made him feel but he knew he liked it. The vulnerability, the wavering long notes, the sharp gasps for air into the microphone, sounds that he’d never heard in his life and knew that he never would again unless they came from  **that** mouth. 

Now, he didn’t believe in love at first sight, not by a long shot - he wasn’t particularly interested in men either. But that didn’t stop Brian from lying awake that night, replaying the image of that beautiful, broken boy over and over in his mind. 

So when that beautiful, broken boy walked into his makeshift studio a few days later, he almost tripped flat on his face in shock. He was right there, mere feet from him, and Brian could barely get a word out. 

The man had been quickly introduced to his friends, but Brian was lost in the conversation. Now, he knew that the young man was Jonathan, and that Jonathan had gorgeous dark eyes and an amazing smile and the sweetest fucking voice,  _oh my god don’t ever stop talking._

Jonathan had laughed off his strange behaviour and  _screw that, he was in fucking love holy shit._ He’d sang for them, exactly how Brian had looped in his mind for the past three nights, and it might’ve well have been only the two of them left on Earth. In that moment, Brian didn’t give a damn why he felt so drawn to the other man, or what the hell had turned his brain to mush, he just didn’t want it to stop. 

The more time they spent together, the more small Jonathan-isms Brian began to notice. His hair always twirled around his finger, biting his nails, sitting in the most inconvenient places imaginable; things that nobody else picked up on but made his heart skip a few beats. There wasn’t food, or sleep, or practise in his life anymore. Only Jonathan. 

The more time they spent together, the more Brian realised that Jonathan was just as pretty on the inside as he was on the outside. 

They recorded their first few albums, as all bands do, and Jonathan opened up about the ‘ugly parts’. The hidden parts. How anyone could consider them ugly, Brian didn’t know, how anyone could hurt the man in front of him, he didn’t know. But he did know one thing, he wasn’t about to let any harm come to Jonathan ever again.

One night, after a particularly stressful recording session, Jonathan had fallen asleep against his shoulder midway through a movie. At first, he hadn’t dared move, partly out of fear of waking the boy up and partly because his heart was hammering so fucking fast he almost threw up. Once his arm was around Jonathan’s small frame, however, he wasn’t about to let go for anything. That night in the bar seemed a million light years away. It didn’t matter that Jonathan was asleep, with no clue how much it meant to Brian. Just holding him was enough. 

If present-day Brian had told past-Brian that the pretty boy he saw in that bar would fall for him too, past-Brian would’ve slapped him senseless. It didn’t make any sense, not in his head at least, but it was true. Jonathan had fallen for him and it felt like a dream, one that he hoped he’d never wake from. Sometimes, when morning came, he’d hug the small man lying on chest as tight as he could, to prove that he truly was there. 

From time to time, Jonathan would bite his lip and get real quiet. He’d shift closer to his boyfriend and ask if he thought he was pretty. Brian would smile and reassure him, tell him that he was the most beautiful, talented person in the whole world. Jonathan would grin, satisfied, and curl closer to him without a care in the world. 

He really had no clue. 

No clue that Brian had always thought he was beautiful. 


	6. Heart on His Sleeve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relationships aren’t always smooth sailing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, we’re riding the angst train tonight my dudes! 
> 
> We have some fights, some feels, and a helluva lot of non-sexual, sweet Dom/sub (cos I needed an excuse to work it into a plot somehow!) 
> 
> \- Xee Xx

“Why don’t you listen to a single fucking thing I say?!” Brian yelled, jeans bunched in his fists. “God Jon, we’ve been through this, you’re unbelievable!” 

“I’m the unbelievable one?! I’m not the one that’s fuckin’ freaking out over a few drinks.” Jonathan scoffed from behind the kitchen island and poured himself another shot from his half-empty bottle of Jack. 

That very same bottle had been full mere hours earlier. Brian knew this for a fact, he counted every bottle now. Checked numbers with Reg, David and James. Counted again. “Fours months, four whole months without a single drink wasted! And for what?” 

“Oh, don’t start.” Slurred Jonathan, trying to pull himself upright with some difficulty. It wasn’t just the alcohol, he’d lost weight. “You... I’m not your property, you don’t get to tell me what to do.” 

“Don’t  you  start, we are not having this conversation.” Brian took a breath to steady himself; he wasn’t angry, just scared. “Give me that. Now.” He reached his hand out. 

“Piss off.” Jonathan glared as he batted Brian’s hand away, swayed and almost fell back against the counters. He flicked the cap off the bottle, not even bothering with a shot glass this time. “I bought it, s’mine.” 

“That’s enough!” Brian raised his voice again as he snatched the bottle from his boyfriend and held it above his head, “I don’t care who bought it, you’ve had enough!” A fist collided with his chest. He’d expected it, the blow wasn’t hard. “Stop it. You need to calm down, this isn’t  my  Jonathan.” 

If looks could kill. 

On any other occasion, he would’ve melted at the thought of his boyfriend  owning him.  Tonight, however, Jonathan snapped in response, “I’m not  your  Jonathan, and I was calm till you got your panties in a bunch. S’not even a big deal-“

“Not a big deal, my ass! You’re killing yourself! You’re using again, I can see your fucking ribs and alcohol doesn’t do that! What d’ya think that’s doing to me, huh?! Doing to Munky, David, Fieldy?!” Brian exclaimed, the urge to tear at his own hair steadily growing. “Exactly, you don’t think, it’s always all about you!”

Thank god the others were out, they didn’t need to hear this. 

“It’s never fucking about me! It’s what  you  want for me, it drives me fucking insane! Stop treating me like a baby!” Jonathan was on the verge of screaming. “And I’m not using again, who fed you that bullshit?!”

“Nobody did! Look at yourself, you’re a mess! I’m trying to look after you, trying to help! You always push me away!” Brian turned away and clenched his fists; he didn’t want to hit his boyfriend, not deep down. In the back of his mind, he wondered if the neighbours had called the cops yet. 

“Yeah, well maybe I don’t want your help! I don’t  need  your help!” He screamed, eyes watery with angry tears. 

“Shut up, just shut up!” Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, growling. “If you’d stop whining for five goddamn minutes, you’d see that everything I do is for you, to keep you safe.” 

“I don’t remember asking for a fucking bodyguard...” Jonathan seethed and trembled on the spot. “Don’t follow me. I fucking need some air.” He made it four steps at most before he was slammed against the wall, the air knocked out of his lungs. “What the fuck?! Get off me!” 

Brian’s eyes glimmered in the dark, almost inhuman. “You don’t get to walk away from this, Jonathan, this is bullshit! I’ll pin you to the wall this whole fucking night if I have to, I’ve had enough of your shit.” 

“Don’t. Touch. Me.” Jonathan spat, choosing to struggle against the hand squeezing his wrists painfully tight. “Let me go, or... or we’re done! You clearly can’t stand the sight of me so stop pretending you give a fuck and let me leave! I don’t want to be here, don’t want to be with  you , why are you such a controlling douche?!-“

“Because I fucking love you!” He roared, slamming his fist into the wall next to Jonathan’s head. “I fucking love you but I can’t live like this! All I want is to keep you safe but you fight it so damn hard, don’t you get it?! I  like  protecting you, I  like  babying you, I  like  caring for you! I’m a ‘controlling douche’ cos you slip through my fingers, how else am’a supposed to know you’re okay?! Seeing you like this fucking tears me apart, do you know how much sleep I’ve lost thinking that you’re lying in a ditch somewhere, raped or beaten or dead... and that it’ll be my fault. Because I didn’t do enough, try enough... fuck, I can’t...” his voice cracked, “I can’t lose you...”

Jonathan watched with wide eyes as Brian broke down crying, still pinned against wall. His insides went numb, he didn’t like this. Bring back angry Head, dominant Head, any sort of Head but the one heartbroken and sobbing into the crook of his elbow.“Please, let me go...” The grip on his wrists slackened, it felt like defeat and Brian wouldn’t even lift his head to look at him as he mumbled a broken “go...” But Jonathan slammed into his boyfriend, had he not been so frail he would’ve sent them sprawling on the floor. He buried his face in Brian’s chest and dug his fingers into his back, trembling. “Didn’t mean it...” 

Brian’s breath hitched, he could feel the wetness soaking into the fabric of his shirt, and the sinking of his heart. The entire situation was a nightmare, both of them were at fault, but that didn’t mean he wanted to make Jonathan cry - knock some sense into him, sure, but not frighten him to the point of tears. “I-I’m here, I’m sorry, I’m here...” He choked, lifting Jonathan off the ground and into his arms. “Shh, c’mon baby, no tears.” Rubbing down Jonathan’s spine, he dried his own tears on his sleeve; he wasn’t any less distraught but he had to be strong, for both of them. 

Jonathan sniffled and pressed his knuckles against his eyes, whimpering softly. As loud-mouthed as he could be in the heat of the moment, he despised conflict. Now, he felt small. Didn’t have the energy to talk. Just wanted to be held. 

Continuing to make shushing noises under his breath, Brian swayed backs towards the kitchen. “JD, I know it’s been a long night but I need you to listen to me, it’s very important. We’re gonna make some rules, m’kay? So I can look after you better, and you can feel less stress about taking care of yourself. I promise we’ll talk through everything, I want you to be as comfortable as possible.” He tucked Jonathan’s hair behind his ears and kissed the tears from his cheeks, smiling at him gently. “But first, you have to eat for me, baby.” 

Jonathan gave a nod in response, yawning into Brian’s shoulder. He wasn’t about to start arguing again, not when he’d finally gotten warm and comfortable - hell, he’d let Brian spoon-feed him if it meant he got cuddled. 

“Good boy...” Brian murmured. Cooking would take too long, anything heavy would hurt Jonathan’s stomach anyway, so he swiped a packet of crackers from the cupboard and padded down the hall. He paused at the hallway closet and draped a towel over his shoulder, getting a tiny peep from his boyfriend. “It’s okay sweetheart, gonna run you a bath...” He kissed Jonathan’s ear as he walked, nudging the bathroom door open with his hip. 

“Tired...” Jonathan’s voice was barely a whisper, muffled by his thumb between his lips. As Brian bent to turn on the taps, he clenched his legs around his waist.  ‘Don’t put me down, please don’t put me down...’ 

But Brian had no intentions of letting him go, literally or figuratively. “I’m tired too baby, I promise we’ll go to bed after your bath.” He lowered himself to the floor, shifting Jonathan around till he was facing him in his lap. “Need to get you undressed, JD, is that okay?” Just because he’d undressed Jonathan before, under very different circumstances, didn’t mean he could just tear his clothes off whenever he pleased. “You can do it yourself, if you wanna.” 

Jonathan shook his head sleepily, pointing at Brian and holding his arms up like they weighed a tonne.He didn’t have the willpower to undress himself, no way. 

“Alright, hold onto my shoulders.” Brian instructed warmly, grazing his hands down Jonathan’s sides to push his sweater over his head, being careful as to not tangle his hair or get the material caught round his ears. 

Jonathan shivered and gasped as the cool air hit his skin. He instinctively curled into Brian and whined in discomfort, looking up at him with begging eyes. 

“Oh I know, I know honey,” Brian cooed, “two more minutes, m’going fast as I can.” Continuing to remove Jonathan’s clothes as carefully as possible, he felt his heart twinge at just how  small  his boyfriend looked. How long had he not noticed, how many hints had he missed? It ripped him apart inside but Jonathan still trusted him -needed him  now -, so he forced the voices to shut it, scooping Jonathan up and lowering him gently into the warm water. “There, see, it’s warm now...” He knelt beside the tub, tugged off his hoodie and grabbed the plastic cup from the edge of the sink. “Head back, good boy.” 

Tilting his head back, Jonathan shuddered under the hot water that flowed down his back and hugged his knees to his chest. A soft sigh left his lips as fingers ran through his hair, and he closed his eyes to shield them from the water clinging to his lashes. His head felt full of hazy clouds and tiny electric sparks, those tingles that erupted when someone brushed the back of your neck in  that one spot . Without warning, he slumped to the side and made no effort to stop himself; his nose was in the crook of his boyfriend’s elbow. He inhaled softly, getting lost in the faint tang of sweat, cheap aftershave, cigarette smoke, home, Brian. 

Eyes fond, Brian ducked to kiss Jonathan’s head and continued pouring water over his neck and shoulders. Soap or shampoo weren’t necessary, the bath was a calming device more than anything. It allowed him to simply sit and gaze at Jonathan, who’d sobered up remarkably quick, occasionally whispering words of praise or nuzzling his forehead. 

“Can I have a kiss?..” He eventually murmured, stroking Jonathan’s cheek with his thumb. 

Jonathan squirmed shyly but leaned in, brushing lips with his boyfriend, who cupped his cheeks and coaxed him closer. There was a certain urgency present in the otherwise sweet gesture, one that made Jonathan melt into a blushing mess. 

Brian pulled back with a soft tug on Jonathan’s lower lip and chuckled as the boy leaned forward at the same time. “C’mere you, water’s gettin’ cold.” The water was far from it, in reality, his arms were beginning to feel empty. He laid the towel across his lap, lifted Jonathan under his arms and cradled him close. His boyfriend opened his mouth, about to protest, but he held a finger to his lips. “I don’t care ‘bout my shirt getting wet, it’ll dry,” Brian held Jonathan’s hand and kissed each of his fingertips, thumbing a circle on his palm. 

Sucking on his lower lip, Jonathan giggled and reached up to touch his boyfriend’s braids. While he was towelled dry, he amused himself by twirling the braids around his fingers, much like he did with his own hair. 

After a particularly hard -affectionate- tug on his hair, Brian chuckled and sat Jonathan upright. “My good boy...” he praised, pulling his discarded hoodie over his boyfriend’s head and his arms through the sleeves. It was far too big, swallowing Jonathan’s body in such an adorable way that Brian wished he had his camera. 

Jonathan quivered at the praise, lunging forward and throwing his arms around Brian’s neck. “Wuv you~...” He mumbled, barely audible with his mouth pressed against Brian’s neck. Strong arms circled his back, one hand resting gently on the back of his head, and he sunk further into the embrace. 

“I love you too, so so much baby...” Brian nuzzled the top of Jonathan’s head and slowly clambered to his feet. He grabbed the crackers from the bathroom shelf and, deciding that he’d deal with the clean-up later, carried Jonathan the short distance to the kitchen. Keeping the lights dim, he fumbled about in the fridge for the milk and scanned the cupboards for a suitable cup. A normal mug would’ve sufficed, but with Jonathan so sleepy he didn’t want to risk a hospital trip thanks to second-degree milk burns. 

After some thought, Brian settled on a spare sippy-cup left by one of their tech guys - that way, Jonathan could drink on his own without accidentally throwing it down himself. “Now, I know you said you don’t wanna be babied, but this is gonna stop an accident. So don’t hit me, kay?” He chuckled playfully, showing Jonathan the cup, who made a sort of beep in approval, before he put it in the microwave. 

As he watched the timer count down, rocking his boyfriend on instinct, he didn’t dare point out that he indeed seemed to be enjoying being babied very much - then Jonathan might  actually  hit him. 

More than that, he didn’t want to ruin the moment; it was he calmest he’d been in a long time and he could tell that Jonathan felt the same. Especially their first actual fight over something so serious, Jonathan was sick and on second thought, anger definitely wasn’t a great way to deal with it. 

Discarded on the counter, the half-empty bottle taunted him into stomach-wrenching guilt. As soon as Jonathan was settled in bed, he was gonna throw the thing off the fucking balcony. 

Before he could get around to more apologising however, the microwave demanded his attention. As he opened the door, Jonathan made a grab for the bottle, pouting when he held it out of his reach. “Ah-ah, hold on mister. Need to check the temperature first.” He tipped the cup over the back of his hand, letting a few drops land on his skin. “Not too bad, good boy for waiting.” 

Jonathan squirmed, took the cup and raised the tip to his mouth. But he hesitated, glancing between his boyfriend and the drink in his hands with a nervous frown. 

“It’s just me, don’t be shy.” Brian coaxed and gently nudged the cup closer to his mouth. Reassured, Jonathan snuggled closer and drank, getting into a steady rhythm of sucking through the straw. 

“Slow, baby, don’t hurt your stomach.” Adjusting his hold on his boyfriend, Brian pocketed a few crackers and unlatched the balcony door. “Let’s eat outside, huh?”

Even twenty stories up in the middle of the night, the air was surprisingly warm. Sitting back on the outdoor furniture, Brian cradled Jonathan and held out a biscuit for him to take. “Can you manage one for me?” He asked. 

Jonathan nodded and took a bite, staring off into space -literally- while he chewed. The cracker lasted a few minutes and when he was done, he curled inwards and hiccuped under his breath.

Everything was quiet besides the distant sound of traffic and Jonathan’s snuffling. But Brian’s mind was anything but that, insides still twisting painfully. “Baby boy, can we talk ‘bout what happened?” He asked softly, bouncing his knee in time with patting Jonathan’s back. “You don’t hav’ta talk if you don’t wanna, as long as you listen.” 

Jonathan looked up from his shoulder and gazed at Brian while sipping his drink, nuzzling his cheek against his chest. 

“Good boy,” Brian smiled and cupped Jonathan’s other cheek, “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier. I shouldn’t’ve done that, it was wrong and I upset you.” The sincerity shone in his eyes, he dropped a kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead. “I wasn’t angry with you, I’m never angry with you sweetheart, I was angry at me ‘cause I promised you’d never get hurt again and you did... and I was scared ‘cause I failed you-“ 

Jonathan cut him off by vigorously shaking his head and frowned up at Brian. He couldn’t get the words out but he had to communicate it somehow; it wasn’t Brian’s fault. 

“No, I did.” Brian retrieved his lighter from his pocket and lit up a cigarette, leaving it dangling between his lips. “I did honey, I said I’d protect you and you got hurt, that scared the hell outta me. I only want you to be healthy and happy and cared for, you deserve that more than anyone else in the whole world. And I know how hard you find it being vulnerable, I don’t expect you to always trust me 100%and it’s okay if you don’t, I get it. But I would never,  ever  hurt you JD, not on purpose, you can talk to me about anything. You don’t even have to say anything, we can have a sorta code that tells me somethin’s wrong or something, ‘cause that’s the only way I can make it better baby.” He cupped Jonathan’s chin and squeezed his cheeks together gently, getting a giggle in response. “You’re so fuckin’ cute, ya know that?” 

Jonathan beamed, pink spreading from his cheeks to the tops of his ears as he nodded eagerly. Tilting his chin slightly, he let go of the bottle in his mouth in favour of Brian’s index finger and gnawed on the digit lightly. 

Chuckling, Brain wiggled his finger and stubbed out his cigarette so he could rub circles on Jonathan’s stomach. “You’re comfy like this, huh?” He murmured, mind ticking. “I’ve been thinking... this feels good y’know, cuddles, nicknames, cute stuff. And I think maybe I’d like to do it more; look after you an’ stuff I mean. I... I like feelin’ needed... and when you’re like this, super soft and shit, you seem so happy, carefree... I wanna give you that kinda environment every day. I-I mean, I would like that but I don’t wanna make things weird, I get it if you don’t-“ 

“I wanna...” Jonathan said in a hushed tone, lurching upright to wrap his arms around his boyfriend’s neck and hug him tight. “Wanna do that too...” 

Brian hugged back just as tight, not able to hide the smile spreading across his face. “Wait, really? You trust me with that?” 

“Uh huh...” He whispered, leaning forward till their noses bumped and foreheads rested against each other’s. 

Keeping Jonathan close, Brian pecked his lips. In all honesty, all his energy has been drained; the adrenaline of the past few hours had began to wear off. Somewhere behind him, a door banged open and Jonathan flinched in surprise. “It’s probably just the guys, it’s okay.” Brian soothed, standing up with Jonathan in his arms. “Let’s go see them.” 

Back inside, sure enough, Reg, James and David were home, littering the hallway with plastic bags and shoes. 

“Hey Head, sup JD.” David playfully saluted. “Whatcha been up to?”

Jonathan just blinked and smiled shyly, then hid his face in Brian’s shoulder.

“Jon, you okay?” The drummer asked in concern, throwing his jacket over the back of the sofa. 

“Uh, he’s not really talkin’ much right now.” Brian smiled and kissed Jonathan’s ear, swaying gently back and forth. 

“He’s lost his voice? We have a show in, like, a week.” James bit his lip and put his hand on Jonathan’s shoulder. 

“Nah,” Brian shook his head, “He can speak, he just don’t feel like it.” Against his shirt, he could feel Jonathan nodding as he spoke. 

Reg eyed the couple suspiciously, making his way over to the counter to place down the bags. “Huh...” He gestured towards the open bottle of alcohol on the counter and mouthed at Brian, who quickly cut him off with a sharp hand movement and hard stare; not now. 

In his true fashion, James was pretending to not be worried while clearly being exactly that, hovering close to Jonathan and playing with his hair. Brian had half a mind to tell him not to crowd him, but Jonathan didn’t seem to mind. 

“You’re sure he’s okay? He seems... kinda different.” Reg tilted his head and folded his arms. 

“He’s good, I swear. I’ll fill you in.” Brian sighed and smiled down at Jonathan, tucking his dreads behind his ear. “Might wanna s’down guys, it’s kinda a long story...” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If a part two - with more of an exploration of gentle!Dom/sub as a coping mechanism, or potentially the guys interacting with full-on little!Jon if that’s the direction you wanna go in - would interest you guys, feel free to drop a comment and I’ll get right on it! 
> 
> I now have links to my ‘work’ socials in my bio if you wanna DM me with any prompts or questions and as always, thank you for the support of my nonsense fanboy ramblings. All kudos and comments are greatly appreciated! :D


	7. The Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonathan won’t speak, Fieldy becomes a mom for a minute, and Head acts a little stranger than usual

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooo, this took way longer than I would’ve liked but it’s finally done.  
> Happy reading - Xee Xx

Jonathan was being unusually quiet. 

Well, it wasn’t exactly unusual given the circumstances, he’d been ‘unusually quiet’ for weeks. 

But that was exactly what was bothering the rest of the band, Jonathan needed his space sometimes but it hadn’t dragged out for more than a few days at most. Even so, they’d left him be, figuring that he’d come out of it sooner or later. Not that they didn’t care, they very much did, simply they didn’t want to interrupt a potential healing process. 

Dinner that night, like many evenings before it, consisted of takeout and beer with a large side of uncomfortable silence. As of late, Jonathan chose to withdraw further and didn’t come down from his bed to join in with group meals. The four men camped around the bus’ main table has began to wonder if their friend was even eating at all, thought in all honesty, they really didn’t want to think about that. 

Not even Brian could bring himself to crack a few jokes to lighten the mood, instead pushing his noodles around with a plastic fork in utter silence. James and Reg weren’t much better, not sure whether to stare at their plates or attempt a peek at Jonathan from afar. 

It was as if the slightest sound would trigger a complete meltdown, which was something none of them wanted to risk. A crying fit was way worse than quietness, surely.

But, the more David glanced up from his hamburger to his friend, curled up in his bunk with his hair around his fingers, the more it dawned on him - it wasn’t a drained, mid-tour kind of quiet, rather a lonely, sad kind of quiet. Just like that, his burger didn’t taste quite so appetising anymore and he pushed his plate away. 

The others looked at him, not in confusion but in understanding; there wasn’t much room for food when guilt was shoving itself down your throat. How could they sit by and watch their bandmate suffer by himself? That was just it, they couldn’t. They had to something, anything. But not there, not within earshot of Jonathan, not where the wrong words could end in tears or much, much worse. 

“Shit, I forgot to pick up the kegs for tomorrow. I’m gonna go get’em before the store closes, anyone else wanna  come with ?” David announced with a pointed look, maybe, just maybe, it would be obvious enough. 

“Oh yeah,” Brian caught on, tipping his chin in the drummer’s direction, “I’ll help you man, can’t carry them all by yourself. Munk, didn’t you want to pick up that thing too?” 

“Thing?...” James furrowed his eyebrows till his eyes lit up. “Oh  that thing ! Mmhm, I forgot I really  really  need that.” 

All four of the men nodded, stood up and shuffled out the door. “Y’know, that’s funny cos I need to grab a thing from the store too. Guess we’re all going.” Reg called, loud enough for a certain someone to hear, before he shut the door behind them. 

The entire performance was horribly forced but hey-ho, they were musicians after all. Nobody said they were convincing actors. 

“So what the fuck is going on with JD?” Brian blurted out, barely three feet away from the tour bus. Unfortunately for him, he was also one foot away from Reggie’s fist, which collided with his shoulder. “Agh, Jesus!”

“Dude, shut up, he can hear us from here.” The bassist hissed, dragging the other guys towards the outskirts of the parking lot, where they couldn’t be seen let alone eavesdropped on. “M’kay, go on.” 

Brian spun around, walking backwards and rubbing his shoulder. “As I was saying, before I was so /rudely/ interrupted- hit me again, I fucking dare you- yeah, what the hell is going on with JD? D’ya think he’s sick or somethin’, I’ve never seen him like this.”

“If we knew what was wrong, we wouldn’t be out here talking about it.” Sighed James, shoving his hands in his hoodie pocket. 

“So let’s talk about it.” Reggie shook his head and tugged Brian out of the way of a passerby. “Nothing’s gonna change if we sulk around doing jack-shit.” 

David nodded, “Fieldy’s right, we need some sort of plan. A vague one, detailed one, whatever. Just something that might help.” He rubbed his eyes, checking the road before he crossed the road. “Look, I know that none of us wanna think worst case scenario but maybe that’s the best way around it.” 

“He’s depressed...” James mumbled, “think about it, he’s not talking, eating, barely leaving his bed. And we’re not engaging with him either, we don’t even ask if he’s okay...” 

“Hey,” Brian backed up to put his arm around his friend, “JD knows we love him and that we’re here for him whatever he needs.” 

“Does he though?” James looked up with a pained look in his eyes. “When was the last time any of us asked if he wanted to watch a movie with us, or rehearse together, or go grab a drink?...” As they walked through the store entrance, he looked from Brian, to Reggie, to David, but they all averted their eyes guiltily. “Exactly...” 

“Shit dude, way to make us feel bad...” Brian muttered, picking up a basket and slouching in the direction of the beer isle. 

Following suit, James, Reg and David didn’t utter a word. It wasn’t James’ words that brought back the air of uncomfortableness, rather the truth behind them; in their efforts to give Jonathan the space he appeared to want, they’d gotten to the point of neglect (whether they wanted to admit it or not). 

By the time the time they’d circled the store at least three times, with Brian being downright miserable and James on the verge of tears, Reggie’d had enough. “Guys, stop.” He put his arm out to stop David in his tracks and rubbed his forehead. “We need to get our shit together, alright? The past is the past, that’s that, we need to focus on the future. Like, what’s gonna cheer JD up and shit, huh?” 

“Right...” Brian mumbled, swinging the basket by his side. “Uh, he likes those peanut butter cereal bar things...” 

“Go get them.” Reg commanded, then turned on James. “You’re good at this sort of thing, dude, what else does he like?” 

“Um,” James scratched the back of his head, “I saw some VHS tapes a few aisle down, could be worth a shot I guess.” 

“That’s perfect. David, any ideas?” 

“He’s not drinking so much, so I could pick up some soda.” The drummer shrugged. 

Reggie nodded. “No, that’s a good idea. I’m gonna grab stuff for pancakes, meet back here in ten.” 

The others promptly split in all directions to track down their specific objects. They didn’t mind being bossed around by Reg, in fact they wouldn’t even consider it bossy - he just liked to fix things and when he had a plan, he stuck by it. 

Their spirits were about as high as they could get upon regrouping, considering the circumstances. After paying for their items and leaving the store, they’d even managed a few smiles.

“What’s the plan with these?” Brian waved his bag in the air, missing David’s head by an inch. 

“Jon doesn’t wanna talk, right?” Reggie paused as everyone murmured noises of agreement. “So we leave him things he likes, he doesn’t have to engage but still knows we’re thinkin’ about him.” 

“Maybe he’ll feel like talking if he knows we know something’s up.” James bit his lip, he couldn’t help being hopeful. 

“He’s gonna come around, I know it.” David slung his arm around James’ side and squeezed him. “Try not to worry, okay?” They were all worried but what else could he say? 

The walk back to their temporary home was considerably more pleasant than the one to the store; a small chance that things might return to normal could do a hell of a lot. Upon reaching the bus, Brian held a finger to his lips, the lights were out and the bus was silent; Jonathan was asleep. 

“Where are we putting them?...” David whispered as he stepped inside and slipped off his shoes, turning on the hallway light. 

“Over here...” While Reg crept into the kitchen to store his ingredients, James beckoned Brian and David over to the bunks. Pulling back the curtain slightly, dim light spilled into the beds and across Jonathan’s peaceful face. He was dead to the world, curled up on his side and hugging his pillow - an adorable sight if there ever was one. 

James and David laid their presents down at the foot of Jonathan’s bed before creeping to their own, both exhausted. However, Brian lingered, absentmindedly running his fingers over his gift and shifting from foot to foot. 

“Dude, switch off the lights when you come to bed.” Reggie said quietly, putting a hand on Brian’s shoulder as he passed by. 

Brian glanced down, then back up. “Yeah, gimme a minute...” He murmured, one arm on Jonathan’s duvet, still clinging to the cereal bars like his life depended on it. 

Reg just shrugged and flopped on his bunk, drawing the curtain behind him. Frankly, he was too tired to question Brian’s odd behaviour and then again, when wasn’t his friend being a little weird? Before sleep took him over, he glanced around the curtain one last time to find Brian hadn’t moved an inch, still gazing at Jonathan as he slept. 

————————————————-

The next morning, Reg got up early. Having given up trying to sleep hours ago -thanks to the thunderous rain- and figuring that breakfast wouldn’t make itself, he got dressed as best as he could in the dark and made his way to the kitchen. As expected, his glasses were on the counter where he’d left them the night before and he slid them up his nose, bringing the room into focus. He was halfway between brewing a pot of coffee and starting on pancakes, when he passed by the small window out to the dining room and did a double take. 

For the first time in weeks, Jonathan was huddled in the window seat at the table, picking at a cereal bar. He either hadn’t noticed Reggie or was choosing to ignore him, instead looking out the window with a vacant stare. 

Reg backed up to the counter and busied himself with his mug, unsure what to do (if anything at all). It frustrated him immensely, he always had been the one to know exactly what to do and now he was as lost as the others. Above all else, he hated the rush of powerlessness that swept over him - the one that only seemed to appear when he laid eyes on Jonathan. Sighing, he dropped a teaspoon in his cup -on second thought, Jonathan had absolutely heard him moving about- and forced himself to walk to the kitchen doorway. “Morning JD, want some coffee?” He hadn’t anticipated acknowledgement let alone a response, but Jonathan looked up at him and nodded.

Okay, a nod was better than nothing. 

“I’m making pancakes, ya hungry?” He pressed gently. 

Jonathan just blinked and sucked his bottom lip up between his teeth, looking like a frightened puppy. 

“Okay...” Reg leaned back towards the counter and poured water into both cups. He brought them over to the table and set Jonathan’s down in front of him. “I’m gonna make you some even if you’re not hungry, whatever you don’t want I’ll eat.” 

Jonathan sipped his coffee nervously but nodded his head again, and Reggie hesitated before reaching out to ruffle his hair. “Good boy.” It slipped out before he could stop himself, but Jonathan’s eyes brightened in a way that made his heart soar. “I’m just gonna be next door, come get me if you need  anything .” 

He’d only been back in the kitchen for two minutes when a small hand tapped his shoulder, he turned around to find Jonathan shuffling on the spot with his arms behind his back. Cute. “You wanna help?” Reg asked. 

Jonathan looked up and nodded, a shy smile on his face. 

“Up on the counter then.” He chuckled and patted the free space on the worktop. Jonathan hopped up beside him, swinging his legs and twirling his hair around his finger. 

“So, how do you wanna split this-?” Reggie began to ask but upon turning around found Jonathan already busy measuring out the milk, nose scrunched in concentration. “A’ight, fine by me.” 

Despite his lack of communication, Jonathan turned out to be a very efficient helper. Too efficient, it seemed; he’d finished making the batter in under five minutes and Reg could see his ‘hurry the fuck up’ stare out the corner of his eye. “How come when you’re quiet, you’re  still  able to boss me about, huh?” 

Jonathan just grinned and shrugged, earning himself a nudge on the shoulder. He couldn’t deny he felt slightly better, if only a little. As hard as he’d tried, he missed his friends like hell and half regretted pushing them away so much. A plate was slid his way, making his stomach rumble. 

“Go on, quality control.” While keeping an eye on the pan, Reggie shifted his gaze to watch Jonathan eat, not wholly convinced he’d take a bite without a pair of eyes on him. The smaller man was hunched over, taking the smallest bites as if anything more would kill him. There were times when he felt like a single mother raising four very challenging young boys, and Jon was definitely the mommy’s boy.

“Y’know I’m here for you right? All of us are, we care about you. So uh... If you wanna talk about anything, I’ll listen.” He finally said, voice gruff. “I’ll never hurt you and I’ll fuck up any punk that does. You don’t have to be scared around me, alright?”

Jonathan sucked in a breath and bit his lip, and for a split second, Reggie could’ve sworn he saw tears filling his eyes. They were gone just as quick as they’d appeared but still Jonathan wouldn’t speak, only nodding and shifting closer to his side. 

Reg moved his hand behind Jonathan, not quite touching him, and smiled gently. “Can you go wake up the guys for me?”

Jonathan put down his plate and scampered off without another word, leaving Reggie alone with his thoughts for better or for worse. On one hand, non-verbal, nervous progress  was  still progress, on the other... it didn’t feel like he’d done enough - Jon was supposed to feel safe, not like a scared kid anymore.

There was some groaning and a few muffled thumps, too far away to tell if it was a pillow or a body hitting the floor, before James bounded into the kitchen with shining eyes. “Pancakes!” 

“You have a problem dude, no one’s this happy in the morning...” David yawned, stumbling in from the hallway. 

“ Pancakes , David.”

“Can you not argue for like, five minutes?” Reggie fondly shook his head and slid two plates towards them. “Where’s Head?” 

“Coming, give him a week or two.” Snickered David, plopping down on an empty chair. “JD’s tryna terrorise him outta bed.” 

Sure enough, faint scuffling could be heard in the distance. Until the yelling started. “JD, don’t do that, I mean it... I’m coming, ack, I swear! Jonathan no, bad! JONATHAN!” 

Jonathan came running back and hid behind David, looking rather pleased with himself. “What did you do?” The drummer raised his eyebrows. 

Sinking closer to the ground, Jonathan held a finger to his lips as Brian crashed into the kitchen with his arm raised. “Little shit bit me! Where the hell did he go?” 

“Got you up, didn’t it?” David held back his amusement; from his vantage point he could see Jonathan’s shoulders shaking with laughter. 

“Fuckin’ hurt, s’wat it did...” Grumbled Brian, the smile on his lips telling them that he wasn’t actually that bothered. “Tell me where he is, I’m gonna kick his ass.”

“You’re gonna leave him be, drink some coffee and cheer up. Poor thing’s been through enough.” James clicked his tongue, putting a mug of coffee on the table and brushing a hand over Jonathan’s head as he passed. 

Narrowing his eyes, Brian crouched down to peer under David’s chair. “Gotcha!” He snarled in victory, lunging at the small singer crouching on the ground. Jonathan yelped and tried to scrabble away, but it was too late; he was pinned down in seconds and all he could do was flail. 

“Brian!” James cried, letting out a small laugh at the grown men rolling on the floor. They were ridiculous at times. 

As Brian and Jonathan turned the main room into a makeshift boxing ring the rain started up tenfold, battering against the bus from all angles. “Damnit...” David sighed, nose pressed against the window. “What’re we gonna do now?”

Pausing his struggling, Jonathan jumped up and scurried over to his bunk, reappearing a few moments later with the movies James had bought in his arms. 

“Good shout, JD.” Brian grinned as he clambered to his feet. “What one are we gonna watch?” Asking didn’t turn out to be necessary - ‘Se7en’ came hurtling towards his chest which he caught just in time. “Jesus, okay okay! What the hell did Fieldy put in your food?” 

Beaming, Jonathan trailed behind his taller friend and vaulted onto the sofa with a th-wump. James sat beside him and cuddled him close, stroking his hair and waiting for the others to settle down. 

Eventually, David and Reggie joined them, both balancing plates and cups in their hands. Brian squirmed into the space next to Jonathan and tugged his legs over his lap, casually laying his arm along the back of the sofa. “All set?”

Finally, all five of them were properly together again, not just existing in the same space. Jonathan, immediately hooked, didn’t take his eyes off the screen for a second. James, on the other hand, was distracted by holding his friend close to his side. What if, when he let go, Jon retracted again? He certainly didn’t want to risk it. 

Halfway through the film, it was  still  raining, somehow, and Kevin Spacey was beating Brad Pitt with a tire iron; truly a masterpiece of cinema. It was during this captivating moment that Jonathan spoke for the first time in weeks, barely a mumble but still enough for Brian to jump in surprise. 

“What did you say?” James cocked his head towards the singer, shocked by the sudden shift. He reached for the remote, muting the movie and holding up a hand to quiet Brian before he could complain. 

Jonathan looked like a deer in the headlights and was already in the process of sinking out of sight between the sofa cushions. Gears were turning in his head, almost audibly, and he kept opening his mouth as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t bring himself to. It took a while, the others did their best not to stare, but eventually, he spoke again. “I’m... I’m gay...” 

“Oh...” Brian stopped dead, a handful of popcorn halfway to his mouth, to stare bug-eyed at the embarrassed singer. 

Sensing his growing discomfort, Reggie leaned forward to touch Jonathan’s arm. “You’re gay, like, you like dudes?” He asked softly.

Jonathan slowly nodded, leaning into James who put his arm around his shoulders and kissed the side of his head. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” 

“Dunno, nervous I guess.” Jonathan shrugged and twirled his hair around his finger. “I knew if I opened my mouth it would come out, I wasn’t ready. Kept tellin’ myself that you’d be grossed out or it’d mess everything up, I didn’t wanna ruin what we have. I wasn’t gonna say anything but, I just... I needed to be me, y’know...” The words were flowing thick and fast; the floodgates holding back the past torturous months had opened. “Even if it meant losing you guys...” His eyes flitted between each of his friends, finally landing on David who let out a burst of laughter, startling him. Beside him, James looked horrified and Reg narrowed his eyes. 

“Don’t laugh at him, man!” Brian yelled, snapping out of his stunned silence. “It’s not funny!” 

“I’m not, shit, I’m not laughing  at  him! I’m just relieved, y’know,” David suppressed a smile and moved to hug Jonathan close. “Dude, d’you know how freaked out we were? We thought you’d had some sort of break, we were worried sick! And that’s what you were hiding from us, you like men? Jesus Christ...” He chuckled, the others relaxing considerably and nodding in agreement. 

“Y-you... You don’t mind?” Jonathan squeaked from David’s tight hug, tilting his head back to breathe. 

“Why would we?!” James cried, jumping up to join the embrace. “Why would we suddenly stop loving you for something totally out of your control? That’s an awful, shallow way to live...” 

“Munk’s right,” Brian chimed in, “we love you no matter what, you’re uh, uh-“

“You’re our family.” Reg finished, waiting until David and James moved away to envelop the singer in a much softer bear-hug. “We care about JD so we’re not gonna suffocate him, right guys?” 

The other men just laughed, including Jonathan who flopped back into his spot with a genuine smile on his face. “Fuck, I feel so light, like I lost ten pounds or shit.” 

“I’m proud of you.” Brian smiled, unusually soft as he ruffled Jonathan’s hair affectionately. “Seriously, that took balls.” 

“Shaddup,” Jonathan blushed but didn’t push the affection away, smiling and putting his head on James’ lap. “Put the movie back on, will ya?” 

Even though the hardest part was over, it took five minutes for Jonathan to resume his nervous hair twirling. Unsure of what to say, James took his hand and squeezed gently, trying his best to nudge whatever it was out into the open with a murmur, “What’s wrong?...” 

Jonathan whispered something in response, seeming to cringe in discomfort and catching Reg’s eye. James looked at the bassist and quirked his shoulders in a slight shrug, what was he meant to do?

“Jonathan, buddy, you have to speak up.” Reggie encouraged softly. “Otherwise we won’t hear what you wanna tell us.” 

“Um, I like Head...” He mumbled, a little louder than before. 

David chuckled and kicked his feet up. “Dude, we all do. Most of the time.” 

“Oi!” Brian stuck his tongue out at David, before poking Jonathan lightly. “And like you too-“

“That’s not what I mea-“ 

“Not sure why you have to announce it though, you’re one of my best friends dude,” Brian continued, not paying attention to Jonathan’s sudden trembling. But James could see it. Something wasn’t right. “I mean, we’ve known each other since high school-“ 

“Listen to me, I  like you  like you! I’m fucking in love with you!” He suddenly exploded and shoved himself to his feet, blushing bright red. His hand clamped over his mouth but it was too late, he looked as shocked by his own words as his bandmates did. 

Brian gaped at him, looking as if someone had unhinged his lower jaw entirely. “What?! You’re joking right?” He choked on a surprised laugh.

But Jonathan wasn’t laughing, rather, hurt filled his eyes. He took a deep, trembling breath and clenched his fists. “Joking? I... Fuck you.” He flushed more and, before anyone had time to react, bolted from the room. In the distance, the four rather stunned men heard a door slam. 

“Shit...” Brian breathed, realisation dawning on him. “I thought he was kidding, I didn’t mean... Fuck, I didn’t know...” 

“Way to go, dude(!)” Reg face palmed; it always was one step forward, three steps back with these guys. 

“Someone needs to go after him...” James fidgeted and made to stand up, but Brian pushed him back down.

“Munk, wait, I should go.” He scrambled over the back of the sofabefore anyone could utter a word, tripping over his feet in an effort to catch up to Jonathan as fast as possible. 

David rubbed his shoulder and muttered. “I give it five minutes till he blows the whole thing up...”

“I give it three...” Reggie sighed. 

The remaining trio fell quiet, straining to hear any semblance of a argument while dreading the inevitable nuclear fallout that would follow. How, if at all, would they recover from this? By pretending nothing ever happened? Taking a break? God forbid, splitting up completely...

“I knew it.” James broke the silence, crossed his legs and put his chin on his palm. 

Reggie gave him a quizzical look. “Knew what? That he was gay, or had a thing for Head?” 

“Both, I guess. In a way, they played into each other.” 

Both David and Reg looked more confused than ever, and James chuckled before elaborating. “Think about it, since we met Jon he’s never wanted to talk to any girls or about girls in general, right?”

“Right.” Nodded David. 

“And then he started getting super shy around Brian, making goo-goo eyes at him, stuff like that, and it sorta clicked.” 

“He did? I never noticed...” David scratched his neck, thinking back to the recent interactions between Jonathan and Brian that he could remember. “Yeah, nope, didn’t notice.” 

“Neither did I, or Head apparently.” Reg sighed, shaking his head. 

“A part of him knew, deep down. Not a conscious part, obviously, but there was always something there.” James smiled slightly to himself. “I swear if he’s digging himself into a bigger hole...”

“They  have  been in there a long time...” David looked up, glancing at the bathroom door from over his shoulder. “I mean, no screaming’s a good sign, right?” 

Reg heaved himself out of his chair. “We’ll only know for sure if we check. You coming or-?” He didn’t have to ask twice, David and James leapt to their feet with looks of expectation. “Oh, right, pretty sure they’re in the bathroom.” 

The bus was eerily silent under the given circumstances, a nothingness that travelled from James’ ears to form a solid knot in his stomach. A considerably large part of him didn’t really want to find out what was happening, knowing that everything they’d worked for was on the line left him feeling anxious. But David dragged him along by his wrist as if sensing his growing reluctance, not letting go until they were inches from the bathroom door. “So... Should we knock?...” 

“They’ll pretend everything’s fine, just look...” Reggie shook his head and nudged closer while David cracked the door open and peeked inside. After a few moments he silently jerked back from the door, mouth agape. Reg frowned at him but he just threw his hands in the air, gesturing towards the crack in the doorway. 

Intrigued, James pushed forward to peer into the bathroom. In a second, his eyes widened in disbelief. “Holy shit...” he breathed, barely containing his smile, “I should’ve known...” 

“Dude, let me fucking see...” Reggie hissed and crouched down, scooting beside James to see what the fuss was about. 

Jonathan and Brian were indeed in the bathroom, aggressively close as they got up in each others’ faces; Brian gripping a fistful of Jonathan’s hair and Jonathan almost tearing Brian’s shirt. 

Though not in the way James, David or Reggie had expected. Their quietness suddenly made a whole lot of sense... what with their lips locked as hard as they were.

“Well then...” 

It seemed that Jonathan wasn’t the only one keeping a secret after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming out is a very difficult process and I honestly hope I’ve done it justice, even in a fictional sense.  
> Currently, I’m working on a part two for ‘Heart on his sleeve’ as well as a few things for another band.  
> As always, requests and comments are always welcome and appreciated 💕


End file.
